Everything has been pretty much status quo for most of the last week. Hospice came yesterday to take baseline vitals and other basic info on mom. I think today they come to go over meds. Mom's been feeling quite well the last 4-5 days and only yesterday really hit the wall. She doesn't tend to take it easy when she's feeling well so after a few days of feeling well she crashes. I stopped by yesterday to find a completely zombie exhausted mom in the kitchen making homemade baked macaroni. I'm telling you the woman does not have a pause button. There is no stopping her.

Thank you for all the emails and offers for food, etc. They are appreciated. I haven't had time to reply to all of them yet but I will get to you. I am keeping a list of volunteers for things such as meals so when the time comes when they would be most useful I'll let you know.

Mom still is not up for visits and phone calls. She really is tired of the questions and talking about nothing but how she's feeling and what's going on. Although there's not much else to talk about, if you're one of the lucky few who manage a visit over the coming months, do her a favor and talk about something else.

Thanks again for all the love and support from everyone.

Birthday

Mom had her birthday on the 8th, same day Hospice came out for the first time. Pretty shitty birthday present if you ask me. She woke up feeling pretty well on Saturday and decided she wanted to go out to dinner with all of us. I've always told her about just how good the calamari, sand dabs, and Prime Rib are at the Golden Tee at Monterey Airport. So, off we went to Monterey Airport for what I realized will probably be her final birthday celebration. 62 years young, three kids, a nice home, it's been a great 62 years for her. She had fun at dinner, didn't eat much (Matt and Lexi brought her her favorite Myo frozen yogurt earlier as a present) but she did enjoy herself and I think the calamari lived up to her expectations. When you're facing what she's facing I guess it doesn't really matter what you do or where you do it, it just matters you are surrounded by those who love you the most.

Happy Birthday mom.

The Final Stage

In the back of my mind, when she was having trouble taking a deep breath, I feared the worst. An X-ray and a CT scan confirmed my worries. "The cancer has spread to the lungs" hit like a ton of bricks when it came out of Dr. Stampleman's mouth.

Just a couple days ago at Stanford, Dr. Koong was talking about how remarkable mom has been and how he dare not cite statistics since she hadn't followed any of them anyway. Mom was put at the top of a list for a clinical trial through Stanford which sounded promising, if only a bit. It wouldn't start for another six months, and she'd have to maintain her weight and activity level, but it gave her hope and put a smile on her face. This was before metastasis. It's the one thing we all knew would come eventually, and frankly should have come two years ago.

Just yesterday we met with a representative from Hospice at the house. Mom wanted to just hear what they had to offer for when the time came. I have a feeling deep down she knew the time was now. Today the doctor's office will make the call to Hospice and mom will start her at home care. No more chemotherapy, just a big dose of acceptance. I think it's the first time I've shed a tear in a doctors office through this whole ordeal. The writing has been on the wall for months. She's had some really bad days, but then all of a sudden she's having a couple great days and you go back to thinking foolishly that she may just make it.

I don't know how long someone with metastasized pancreatic cancer can last without chemotherapy. I would venture to guess not long. It blows my mind how well she's done and how long she's persevered. Our mission now is to make her as comfortable as possible. Any time I have even an ounce of hesitation to do something for her or lose my patience in dealing with her issues, I think back to what she has done for me over the past 36 years and for Matt for the past 22, and Lexi for the past 17 years, and I realize there is no burden I could bear for her big enough to ever come close to what she has done for us.

Tomorrow the next chapter begins. Hospice. For what it's worth, mom seems very at peace with it all. She has been a part of the decision making and she's had final say in them all. She is tired and I think she is ready to be done fighting. We are all happy to know she is in no pain at all and we're told she will be pain free for the duration. The rest of us are another story. The real pain, I fear, is only just beginning. I realize we, her family, are not the only ones affected by this. I know there are many of you who would like to come say hi and give her hugs and prayers. I don't know how she is going to feel over the coming days and weeks. I would ask that if you would like to visit, please email me at mark_sweeney@me.com and I'll see what I can do. No promises though.

Long overdue, is a giant thank you and words of appreciation to my sister Lexi who has been absolutely remarkable especially over the last year. Her patience and attention to mom has been key to her care and comfort. It's a job no 17 year old should have to do but she stepped up to the plate and handled it as best she could. She has more character and integrity than most people I know. It's hard to put into words my appreciation for what she has done especially in the times the rest of us couldn't be there. I've watched her grow up faster than any young woman should need to and become an amazing person. It's been a true trial by fire for her. Lexi, you are amazing, strong just like mom, and I love you.