(Un)comfortably Numb

It's peculiar how after a while you can get used to an idea as cataclysmic as cancer. Life and the world around you inevitably goes on. It may never be the same, but then, it never is, and it just goes on, with or without you. It's kind of like the saying that if you tell a lie enough times it becomes the truth (often evident in our media). If you think about something long enough and often enough, I guess you just get used to the idea. You may not like the idea, but it starts to lose its impact, if only a little. I think this is where I'm at now. Uncomfortably numb to the idea that my mom has cancer. Don't get me wrong, it's still oh so real to me, but I've thought about it so much that my perception starts to change I guess. You run out of tears and emotions get put through the ringer daily and it all just seems to meld together into one big, odd, uncomfortable feeling. What can you do? It is what it is. I guess I feel a bit powerless. There is medicine and prayer and positive thinking, but I can't just reach in there and rip it out. I know this will turn full circle soon and come back around again, down the road, but for now I guess I'll just be numb.

Acknowledging the fact that life does go on and the world doesn't stop and wait, I had a good weekend of respite when I went to a bachelor party for an old great friend. Coincidently his mother is dealing with cancer right now as well. It was a night in San Francisco. I was hesitant to go but my better senses knew I needed a break after a whole week living at the hospital. The party was on Saturday and we knew mom was going home that day. I had finished tying up loose ends at the hospital Friday and there was nothing left to do there so I felt OK going. It was very therapeutic being around fifteen friends. I found that several times, for a period of maybe five to even thirty minutes I actually stopped thinking about mom and cancer. It was just what the doctor ordered. I guess the brain does need that relief at times to do a little reboot. I came home very refreshed and ready to take on the next phase.

Getting up to Stanford is looking very promising. I'm expecting we'll here from their scheduler within the next day or two to make an appointment to see one of the doctors there. We've been in contact with one of the nurses there and they have been very helpful and expedient. I don't know what they'll be able to do for mom but at least they are making a concerted effort to get her seen. We are all optimistic about Stanford. I hope our optimism is well founded.

Mom had a few visitors today which she enjoyed. They brought food, which I enjoyed, and I'm sure she did too. Her back has been bothering her, which may be due to her reluctance to take too many meds. She's realized after today that she needs to keep up on them. She did seem tired today, even more so than when she was in the hospital but her mood continues to be elevated. She's been writing and reading and begging me to let her read this blog. I just don't know if she's ready. I told her I will read her the tempered version so that I can make sure nothing too upsetting gets through. We'll see.