Reality sets in (a lot)

I remember hearing a saying from the Special Forces military community. "The only easy day was yesterday." That sounds about right. Today was the hardest day for both mom and I. We met with the medical oncologist and the only good news was that she is behind us 110% in our desire to get up to Stanford to seek out their opinion. That was the only good news. I'll just leave it at that for now.

Following many tears we focused on the fact that we have not yet seen the doctors at Stanford. Just maybe they will be able to perform to a level that our local doctors simply aren't familiar with. Just maybe this "CyberKnife" will be something that is just right for this particular situation. Just maybe we'll get one of those miracles that we've all heard of so many others before us experiencing. Mom and I talked about focusing on today and tomorrow and not next week or next month. One day at a time is an attitude that is becoming more and more difficult to maintain as we learn more about this cancer. However, in a matter of about an hour mom went from deep sorrow and depression to coming full circle telling me how much of a fighter she is, how hard she will push back. We've both come to realize how bad of a situation we are in. I say we because we are all in this with her. It is in her body, but the fight is all of ours.

Since Monday I have only left the hospital for a few hours and as I lie on this sleeper chair once again I realize how lucky I am to be given this opportunity to spend all this time with her. Be it a back scratch or pulling her socks on and off, it's great to be able to be here to help her. I know she appreciates it and this makes it all worth it. All of the nursing staff have remained incredibly supportive, not only professionally but personally. I feel so lucky to have her here on the floor where I work and know all of the staff. I have a bunch of my friends taking care of my mom instead of a group of strangers. I can't express how much that means to her and I. She has had nothing but good to say about her care.

Lexi bought mom a little journal that she could write in. I encouraged her to do so. Obviously I think it's a good idea. I think that it gives her an opportunity to get personal thoughts off her mind and on to paper. Whatever she gets on paper is less that she needs to remember or think about and gives more mental capacity to focus on other areas. The more she frees from her mind the more she will have the ability to process the myriad information she has coming in. It also gives us a record of her thoughts later on down the road.

We would like to express our continued gratitude also for all of the flowers, cards, and visits which has been pouring in. Mom certainly has no shortage of people who care about her. Unfortunately the visits, as much as she wants to see everyone, is taking a toll on her. I think continually discussing what she is going through is making it harder on her to progress through the various stages she needs to move through. I invite anyone who would like more info than you're getting here to call me directly and I'd be happy to talk. I know exactly as much as she does at this point so it allows her to move on emotionally. We will probably forego further visits for now as she needs mental rest more so than physical.